Feeling Ballsy

"You may not know why you're upset, but I do," Jordan answered to my honest description of my difficult day yesterday. 

Throughout the day, I would actively remind myself to not be sad or mopey. Anytime I wasn't academically stimulated, my mind would wander and mull over my predicament with Kevin. It also didn't help that I slept a whopping total of four hours Monday night so that I could study for my 8am Bio midterm. It also didn't help that I am pretty sure I did shitty on said Bio midterm, and had class all day. 

Scooping my spaghetti squash onto my plate, she elaborated, "Even though you tell yourself that you're alright with Kevin not wanting a relationship--which I know you are--he totally led you on to believe that once he got up here, that's where things were probably headed." I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because I was the one who fueled those expectations, but I can't help but admit that she is right. My mind flashed back to cuddling on the beach my last day home over summer, "I could see myself dating you when I get up to Santa Barbara."

Backtrack to last night: I finally grew the balls to initiate the dreaded conversation with Kevin. Texting is so lame and vague, but I really didn't want to annoy him or come off as needy. One of my biggest fears is being a burden to others, especially emotionally. I'm pretty sure that I developed this complex when my ex, Jake, and I were together (but that is another can of worms). 

"Do it now while you still have the courage," Bitta reassured me as I overthought precisely what I wanted to say, if I would send anything confrontational at all.

Garrison (providing occasional input from his loft), Bitta, and Jordan edited my thoughts as I devised what I would say from the comfort of our living room. 

Finally, I sent Kevin this:
"So I’m sorry if this is laying a lot on you, but I feel like I haven’t initiated any conversation regarding whatever is going on between us. To be honest, I don’t know what you’re feeling which is really difficult for me. If you feel the same, I’m sorry that I’ve been so vague. I’m not bringing this up because I expect more from you, I just want to let you know that I am still invested. Sometimes I get the feeling that you’re not, so I guess I want to know where you stand because the last thing I want is to watch myself get strung along."

What can I say, I was feeling ballsy... and sick and fucking tired of limbo. 

Thankfully, I got the answer that I needed to hear:
"I am into you. Youre an awesome person and a lot of fun to be around. Distance obviously makes things harder 'cause we can't hang out and as you may have noticed, I generally suck at using my phone, but I'm still into you. Idk what will happen if I come up there starting winter quarter or when you come home for Christmas but I guess we'll figure that out then. If you're looking for a relationship or some sort of commitment, I'm really sorry, but we shouldn't do anything more then because I don't want to lead you on. I don't want any of that right now and don't see myself wanting it for awhile. I think you should be looking for other people up there because we are far so it's not like anything can happen between us. But when we are back around each other I dont know what'll happen. I don't really think ahead with this stuff."

Even though it was difficult to hear, and still a bit ambiguous, I am relieved to have that weight off my shoulders. I thanked him for his honestly, and apologized for leading him to believe that I wanted a relationship, as that wasn't my intention. 

He replied, "Yeah of course. I'll always be honest with you, especially if there is something between us. All good lu:) that was overdue." Umm... yeah it was, how about a month overdue...

Feeling ballsy a few messages later (and after he admitted that he doesn't want a relationship for the rest of college... game changer), I conceded my biggest worry to him, "This is super blunt but I have too much self respect to be just another notch in a bedpost and not realize it. Thats my only concern."

"And I 100% respect that, and like that about you. Don't be afraid to speak up with me, I'll be honest. I may run, to be honest, because I don't want to feel like I'm committing to something, but I'll be honest before I run haha."

There's the winner! I can't believe that it took me this long to pry that information out of him. In the grand scheme of things, I truly believe that he is a good guy, and that he didn't try to use me in a way that I was worried about. I still feel respected as a person, but I guess I have little tinges of feeling used emotionally. 

Its a given that we like each other romantically, but a normal relationship between two people progresses in a pretty expected way. I'm assuming that the reason why he wants to avoid that is because he is afraid of being tied down, subjected to every, last desire of mine (or anyone for that matter). Dude has probably been with some needy-ass people... and I completely understand how that would affect his mindset. I mean, I broke up with my last boyfriend (throwback to the summer before college) because I was afraid of being confined, especially to someone a few hours away. 

Yesterday was definitely a tough day: sorting out my feelings, bringing up my deeper fears, and absolving some thoughts. However, it really helps to talk it out with people like Jordan, and have other people's support. Before I fell asleep last night, I thanked Jordan for all of her help, realizing that she helped me immensely in sorting out my feelings. 

"Well at least I don't have to feel bad about my crush on Mikey," I smirked over to her from underneath my sleeping bag. (I did this half for the comedic snapchats and half because it is comfortable and soothing.) 

"That you don't my friend," she responded, putting her book down, "Get on that!"

I think the saying is, the best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else.