Don't Come In My Room

"Kevin still hasn't texted me... actually wtf," I messaged Jordan from my computer at 4:30pm last Monday afternoon. Nerves were facilitating my impatience, but I didn't care. I was starting to get really ticked off. 

When I came back from the bathroom, I had two texts waiting for me: one that read, "Actually, Kevin sucks lol" from Jordan, and another that read, "Hey luuuu" from the infamous. Well its about time, I thought. 

Kevin and I sorted out the logistics of when and where we would meet up, and decided upon going to eat at The Habit a little before 6. I wasn't sure what would be happening after that (I was really kidding myself if I didn't think that we were coming to my place but whatever) so I straightened up my room and the living room. 

I biked over there, and he was already sitting at an outside table. Once I locked my bike, I made my way over to Kevin, who was smiling at me. He brought me in for a hug and let me know that he had already ordered. In line, I decided to get a turkey burger wrapped in lettuce and a side of sweet potato fries. My mouth is watering in remembrance of how delicious they were. 

"So how have you been?" Kevin asked, "It's been a while."

"Yeah, I can't believe that I have been up here for so long already. Things have been really nice, I think you know already but I joined *insert house name here* and have been doing a lot with surf team so I've been busy. Which is good I guess," then semi-awkwardly laughed, peering up at him. "How about you?"

"Oh you know... The same sort of deal at home," he responded, "Except I was just up in Seattle visiting my sister over the weekend."

We proceeded to catch up on all of these new aspects of our lives. While I really wanted to break my guard down, I couldn't get myself to fully release my fears and doubts. More than anything, I wish that I could pretend that I don't have feelings like some Beyonce-esque demigod of confidence and perfection. Trying my hardest to channel that inner power once Kevin and I were done eating, I decided that I'd invite him over if he wanted to keep hanging out. 

"So what are you doing tonight?" he asked as we tossed our empty plates. 

"Well, classes are cancelled tomorrow, so I might go out tonight." 

"Really? That explains why everyone is already drinking at Brian's frat..." he laughed, "I thought that people were just partying on a random Monday."

Laughing along with him, "Some people do, but its normally not this crazy, I swear."

Realizing that we were both going out, he said that we should meet up. And here I was, thinking that he just wanted to eat, bang, and bail on me to go party. 

All the lights were off when I led Kevin through the door of my apartment. I texted Bitta and Rachel, letting them know that Kevin and I were at home as a warning. Thankfully (otherwise something super awkward could have happened), Bitta popped out of their room and said hi to us. I secretly wanted to christen the living room with some super hot wall sex but I guess that wasn't in the cards Monday night. 

Kevin and I were chit chatting on the couch, and I maintained my distance, leaving the ball in his court to make the first move. Kevin turned over and began kissing me (damn I missed those lips) and I gave in like he had baked me chocolate chip cookies. It took about five minutes for me to utter, "Lets go to my room."

Smiling up at me, he agreed. 

Bitta knew not "to come in my room" and was skyping her boyfriend anyways, so Kevin was fair game to pounce onto. 

Immediately after I shut the door behind us, we began undressing each other so naturally, I was extremely turned on. 

"Sorry my bed is so small," I laughed at my twin xl. 

"I'm sure that we can make it work," he joked along with me.

As if I needed any confirmation of my talent, Kevin's subtle moans were reassurance that yes, I am bomb at giving blow jobs. After a few minutes, Kevin uttered twice, "I've missed you." To be honest, I'm not sure what exactly he meant by that but at least it was a compliment, so I'm not complaining. I was content with going down on him because I could tell that he was enjoying it, but all of a sudden, he pulled me off and flipped me over. Then, I was definitely not complaining. 

I think I've made this comment before, but Kevin should teach a class on how to go down on a woman. I was enjoying myself so much, that between moans I whispered, "I want you so badly." Thankfully, that got our show on the road. 

Mid-doggie (totally my favorite), Kevin gently started pulling my hair, and I really appreciated that our sex is becoming more comfortable (and as a result, kinkier). Once we finished, I flopped face first onto my bed. I was so relaxed from being relieved of a month's worth of sexual frustration. So good to be done with that. 

He hung out for a little in my bed (to be respectful I'm assuming #nailandbail) then got dressed and let me know that he would inform me as to where he and his friend, Brian, would be at later in the night. 

In the meantime after he departed, I asked Ali and Steph what they were doing. 

Ali texted back, "I'm at Zete, come." Steph said that she was coming over. 

We never met up with Kevin, although I had been texting him all night. I probably could have gone to the party that he was at early on, but felt awkward crashing, so I abstained. He mentioned that he wanted to see me before he left the next day anyways, therefore I didn't see it as a big deal to do my own thing. 

Right as I was slipping on my running shoes the next morning, I received a text from Kevin, "Hey lu :)" What a perfect distraction from my run! Meeting him outside of my complex, Kevin picked me up on his way back from his meeting with the coach. We drove to the beach (to save time) and walked a few miles on the sand. 

"So, how'd your meeting go?" I asked him with an eager smile. I knew that he had been nervous about the logistics of his transfer, but he was in a good mood, so I knew that it had gone well.

"Really good. I'm not sure exactly when I'll be starting classes or moving up, but my application has already been pushed through. I'll definitely be in classes in the spring, so I can either move up during winter quarter or before spring quarter."

This was really good news! Regardless of whatever happens between us, I'm genuinely happy for him because this is such a great opportunity. 

We walked for a while, and made our way back to the car. Kevin got out to hug me goodbye, and wouldn't stop kissing me all over my cheeks and forehead. 

"Are you coming home for Thanksgiving?" he asked.

I let him know that I'll be home Wednesday to Sunday that week.

"Oh, awesome! Let me know when you get back and we can meet up or do something," he smiled. His excitement to seeing me next reminded me that I need to stop bitching about the way that things are going between him and I. That isn't to sweep the notion of him not wanting a relationship under the rug, but at least it is obvious (I just can't seem to accept it, can I?) that he respects me and likes me as a person. 

However, I've realized that I have been going into this situation all wrong. Kevin and I have a ton of fun when we are together, but I've literally seen him for a total of about four hours in the span of over a month. And let me tell you, I have met a lot of cuties up here and have blown off so many opportunities to hook up with said cuties. I don't want to slut it up at all, but if Kevin doesn't want us to be exclusive, then I'm going to take advantage of that. 

When Jordan, Bitta and I (and who could ever ignore Garrison's peanut gallery) discussed Kevin's visit on Wednesday evening, we came to the conclusion that it would be unfair of me to restrict myself from any other guys. 

"So I'll just answer your question before you ask. No, you should not feel bad at all if you go for Mikey or anyone else," Jordan reassured me. 

If I wasn't single before, I'm definitely going to act like I'm single now!

Meant to Be Together

As my snapchat story clearly suggested to all my friends... I had a great, fucking day on Wednesday. As in a "one of the best days of my life" kind of great, fucking day. 

It all started with an unexpected phone call from my aunt, which was especially nice because we hadn't spoken for about two weeks. Once we exchanged goodbyes, I laced up my running shoes and decided to go for a beach run before I hit the gym. 

Lately, I have found that running without music is really empowering. There is something special about listening to the bottoms of my shoes rub against the trail or about listening to the birds chirping. I feel extremely attentive and in-tune with nature, or whatever is going on around me, without music. 

While running along the tide-line on my way home (far enough to already have an endorphin-high) I found a perfect piece of blue sea glass and one of the most beautiful, iridescent abalone shells I have ever seen. After finding both of these within five minutes, I realized that the day was going to be amazing. 

My theory (I've obviously adopted it from somewhere else) is that taking sweet, little things as precursors to a great day will put you into an attitude that's ready for it. So, I cruised into the gym feeling super positive and happy. 

Mikey told me about a gym on campus just for athletes on club sports teams, and suggested I go (since I like going to the gym already, hopefully not because he thinks I need to work out). That morning he asked if I wanted to go with him around 12 but I planned on going a bit sooner. 

About halfway through my workout, Mikey came in and walked over to me. We chit-chatted for a little while, and then he excused himself to start his workout and to let me get back to mine. Although we didn't hang out or anything, it was really nice to see Mikey, even if I was sweating balls. At least my butt looked nice in my shorts. 

Now, I know what you're thinking: don't you like Kevin? Well, I am not sure because he barely even makes an effort to text me. Yeah, I'll most likely get down with him on Monday night (plot twist: he decided to come up Monday afternoon), but I don't really know how long-term things are meant to be between us. And to be honest, it doesn't bum me out to say that out loud anymore. 

After I left the gym, I pulled out my phone to check my email (dang university emails are so difficult to keep in line). A few weeks ago I applied for a biology fellowship that I had been nominated as a possible recipient for, but totally forgot about it. I had to adjust my brightness to the highest setting just to be sure, but there it was: I GOT A $5000 SCHOLARSHIP! Not giving two fucks about what anyone thought, I started laughing and happy-dancing right outside of the gym. 

So, I ran home with a massive smile plastered on my face the entire way, and skipped through the front door. 

"Why are you having the best day ever?" Jordan asked as I waltzed in. I had texted her once I found out about the scholarship. 

After spilling all the details of my day, she told me to look in my room. There were streamers hanging everywhere, balloons, and a ton of goodies left for me by my big! If I wasn't happy before... this big-little week surprise was the icing on the cake.

It turns out that my big lied to me all week, leaving me false clues, which really threw me off. "I actually have no idea who she is now," I told Jordan on a regular basis. She would just peer up at me and giggle as she texted my big all of my reactions. 

The next day, Thursday, I got home from the gym and Jordan asked me what my plans were. 

"Well, since I'm already on the couch..."

"Yay! We can have a lazy day," she exclaimed. I find it funny that this was normal enough to mask her ulterior motive of keeping me in the house. A few hours of nothing later, I heard a knock at the door. Had I known that a boy would be delivering me a heart shaped pizza, I wouldn't have answered sans-bra, but who really gives a shit these days anyway. 

"Never regret pizza," Jordan shared after I ate the entire thing. 

"Whoever my big is, I kind of love her already." This clearly supports the fact that pizza is a sure-fire way to a woman's heart. 

So yesterday, we had big-little reveal. I'll cut to the chase: my big lied to me all week and was the girl that I wanted (her name is Ali)!!! We celebrated, and I met the rest of our family, who are all super chill. Obviously it makes sense that I'm in their family, lol. They iced us (the three new littles), and thankfully I impressed them with a time of seven seconds. 

Ali and I went out to one of her friend's house parties, and I knew a ton of people there because of surf team. "Lulu, how do you know people here?" Ali laughed. 

"I guess we are just meant to be together!" I exclaimed.

I understand why some people have a negative outlook on sororities, or greek life in general, because I used to. But, being on this side of the spectrum, I am so glad to be in the house that I am in. I've met so many cool girls that I am confident in saying that I click with, and am super thankful for finding them through my sorority. If I wasn't excited before, I definitely am now!

I Guess I Have a Week

With an immense amount of anticipation, I was finally finished with classes last Friday. Unfortunately, the weather was pretty shitty so I decided to go home and do laundry/clean. 

"What are you all doing tonight? Are you going to the concert?" I asked Rachel, Bitta, and Garrison. Jordan went home for the weekend, but the other three stayed. Since it was Halloween, I figured that they also had fun plans. 

"We're going to the concert!" they responded. Last year, Halloween rocked our little college town, so this year our Associated Students planned a concert in order to offer students an alternative to the mess. The main artist was Young the Giant (one of my absolute favorite bands) so I was obviously going as well. 

I love Halloween, but it always catches me off guard, so, like many years prior, I threw a last-minute costume together. This year, I was a black cat... aka: black skirt, crop top, cat ears, and drawn on whiskers. Yeah I know, pretty basic. 

Well, it started pouring right before I biked to my friends' house at the Deck. Holding my head down the entire way, I was still soaked within five minutes of biking as fast as I could. 

"I can't believe you actually came over here," Mali proclaimed as I sopped through the doorway. 

"Well, the rain surely changed my outfit. I was going to be a cat... but now I'm just a wet puss!" I joked, taking the rain light-heartedly. 

Slapping on warm layers of alcohol and raincoats, we booked it to the concert. I ended up losing everyone I walked over with, but I had the greatest time. This was by far one of my favorite performances ever; I was dancing and singing to myself the entire time. Once it was over, I decided to walk home on my own because I couldn't find anyone I knew. 

I could outrun or beat the shit out of him if I really tried, I reassured myself every once in a while. Walking home alone at 1:30am is not a fun (or safe) thing, but I was sober enough to be able to handle myself. 

Around 12 on Saturday, Mikey and Quincy picked me up to head down south for our surf competition on Sunday. 

"Thank you so much for taking me, Mikey," I said again as I jumped into the backseat. 

"Of course! Do you know where you're staying tonight?"

"I'm just playing it by ear to be honest," I laughed.

"Well you're welcome to crash wherever we end up." It's like he just handed me a ticket to bang right then and there. 

About halfway into the drive, I really needed to pee, so I asked if we could stop shortly. About fifteen minutes after that, I REALLY needed to pee, so I asked how far the In-n-Out we were going to was. Basically, it was too far for me to handle (I can't hang when it comes to the bathroom--I have to pee all the time). 

"Okay well I will actually pee my pants by then. At this point I don't even care if I have to squat it out on the side of the road," I professed my pain.

They laughed at me. This was not a time to laugh. 

"You think I'm kidding, but I am going to pee my fucking pants!" I half-laughed along with them. 

Mikey made a four-lane switch (props) and we pulled into a gas station. But, THEIR BATHROOM WAS OUT OF ORDER. I ran out of the convenience store, right to some ghetto alley, where I squatted my little heart out. (Lady-like, I know.) I was so relieved that I think I masked my embarrassment fairly well, thank goodness. 

Once we found our friend's address, we received news that no one was there. Feeling like a jacuzzi-sesh, the three of us snuck into the beachside Marriott down the street. The hotel had a rooftop pool and hot-tub, so I was able to show off my killer bod to Mikey (lol jk, it was way definitely the other way around). 

The next day, we hung out at the competition all day. I ended up doing really well, placing fourth overall in the women's division. After everything was done, we packed up and got on the road. Quincy gave me shotgun, and DJed from the backseat. 

"Sooo... when did you two want to get In-n-Out?" I asked Mikey and Quincy a few hours into our drive. We had agreed that would be our "tradition," and I was perfectly fine with that. I inhaled my double-double (protein style... I'm not that bad), so at least it is out in the open that I am comfortable with that. 

Finally, we made it back, and Mikey dropped Quincy off first. As we pulled out from the driveway, Mikey broke the silence.

"So, now what are we going to do since we don't have a contest for two months?"

Yay!!! Glad to not be the annoying tag-along in the car ride, and feeling appreciated as a member of the group, I responded, "I don't know, but I am down for some road trips or adventures!"

He then brought up how he wants to camp in the local mountains (they are pretty small and low-key), so I made it known that he better invite me.

Trips like this, even as short as it was, are so refreshing to me. I was in a killer mood all of yesterday. As I was making baked sweet potato fries, my phone kept tweeting from the coffee table. 

"Dang, someone's popular," Jordan joked. 

I giggled at her joke and replied, "Ugh seriously. Who the hell is blowing me up?"

"Shit," she had picked up my phone.

"What??"

"Well Steph texted you a few times, but Kevin just texted you."

"Wait, what the hell did he say?" I hadn't been ignoring or icing him, but since we last talked, I haven't been putting any effort into texting him or responding to his (few) snapchats. 

Kevin said that he was meeting with the coach next Tuesday, and asked if I would care to grab dinner or a late-lunch. I responded that I would, and turned to Jordan and Bitta.

"Well, you already know that I hate him," Jordan answered my look with complete honesty. "Even if you don't, I'll just hate him for you."

Bitta asked the more important question, "So... does this mean you are going to hookup with him?"

What a good question. For the past weekish, I haven't really given a fuck about Kevin. I am very much geared towards being 100% or 0%, so all of this half-ass "well when we are together..." kind of ticked me off. Part of me has faith that I can keep the emotional connection I felt before from flooding back. And part of me realizes that could be completely wrong, and mid-bang I'll have an (internal) emotional breakdown. This is the moment where I need to figure out if I need to slam a guard up to protect myself, or if I can enjoy the situation for what it has been established to be. 

Sensing my deep confusion, Bitta carried on, "Well, I guess you have a week to figure it out!"