Feeling Ballsy

"You may not know why you're upset, but I do," Jordan answered to my honest description of my difficult day yesterday. 

Throughout the day, I would actively remind myself to not be sad or mopey. Anytime I wasn't academically stimulated, my mind would wander and mull over my predicament with Kevin. It also didn't help that I slept a whopping total of four hours Monday night so that I could study for my 8am Bio midterm. It also didn't help that I am pretty sure I did shitty on said Bio midterm, and had class all day. 

Scooping my spaghetti squash onto my plate, she elaborated, "Even though you tell yourself that you're alright with Kevin not wanting a relationship--which I know you are--he totally led you on to believe that once he got up here, that's where things were probably headed." I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because I was the one who fueled those expectations, but I can't help but admit that she is right. My mind flashed back to cuddling on the beach my last day home over summer, "I could see myself dating you when I get up to Santa Barbara."

Backtrack to last night: I finally grew the balls to initiate the dreaded conversation with Kevin. Texting is so lame and vague, but I really didn't want to annoy him or come off as needy. One of my biggest fears is being a burden to others, especially emotionally. I'm pretty sure that I developed this complex when my ex, Jake, and I were together (but that is another can of worms). 

"Do it now while you still have the courage," Bitta reassured me as I overthought precisely what I wanted to say, if I would send anything confrontational at all.

Garrison (providing occasional input from his loft), Bitta, and Jordan edited my thoughts as I devised what I would say from the comfort of our living room. 

Finally, I sent Kevin this:
"So I’m sorry if this is laying a lot on you, but I feel like I haven’t initiated any conversation regarding whatever is going on between us. To be honest, I don’t know what you’re feeling which is really difficult for me. If you feel the same, I’m sorry that I’ve been so vague. I’m not bringing this up because I expect more from you, I just want to let you know that I am still invested. Sometimes I get the feeling that you’re not, so I guess I want to know where you stand because the last thing I want is to watch myself get strung along."

What can I say, I was feeling ballsy... and sick and fucking tired of limbo. 

Thankfully, I got the answer that I needed to hear:
"I am into you. Youre an awesome person and a lot of fun to be around. Distance obviously makes things harder 'cause we can't hang out and as you may have noticed, I generally suck at using my phone, but I'm still into you. Idk what will happen if I come up there starting winter quarter or when you come home for Christmas but I guess we'll figure that out then. If you're looking for a relationship or some sort of commitment, I'm really sorry, but we shouldn't do anything more then because I don't want to lead you on. I don't want any of that right now and don't see myself wanting it for awhile. I think you should be looking for other people up there because we are far so it's not like anything can happen between us. But when we are back around each other I dont know what'll happen. I don't really think ahead with this stuff."

Even though it was difficult to hear, and still a bit ambiguous, I am relieved to have that weight off my shoulders. I thanked him for his honestly, and apologized for leading him to believe that I wanted a relationship, as that wasn't my intention. 

He replied, "Yeah of course. I'll always be honest with you, especially if there is something between us. All good lu:) that was overdue." Umm... yeah it was, how about a month overdue...

Feeling ballsy a few messages later (and after he admitted that he doesn't want a relationship for the rest of college... game changer), I conceded my biggest worry to him, "This is super blunt but I have too much self respect to be just another notch in a bedpost and not realize it. Thats my only concern."

"And I 100% respect that, and like that about you. Don't be afraid to speak up with me, I'll be honest. I may run, to be honest, because I don't want to feel like I'm committing to something, but I'll be honest before I run haha."

There's the winner! I can't believe that it took me this long to pry that information out of him. In the grand scheme of things, I truly believe that he is a good guy, and that he didn't try to use me in a way that I was worried about. I still feel respected as a person, but I guess I have little tinges of feeling used emotionally. 

Its a given that we like each other romantically, but a normal relationship between two people progresses in a pretty expected way. I'm assuming that the reason why he wants to avoid that is because he is afraid of being tied down, subjected to every, last desire of mine (or anyone for that matter). Dude has probably been with some needy-ass people... and I completely understand how that would affect his mindset. I mean, I broke up with my last boyfriend (throwback to the summer before college) because I was afraid of being confined, especially to someone a few hours away. 

Yesterday was definitely a tough day: sorting out my feelings, bringing up my deeper fears, and absolving some thoughts. However, it really helps to talk it out with people like Jordan, and have other people's support. Before I fell asleep last night, I thanked Jordan for all of her help, realizing that she helped me immensely in sorting out my feelings. 

"Well at least I don't have to feel bad about my crush on Mikey," I smirked over to her from underneath my sleeping bag. (I did this half for the comedic snapchats and half because it is comfortable and soothing.) 

"That you don't my friend," she responded, putting her book down, "Get on that!"

I think the saying is, the best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else.

That is Just How Life Works

Last Monday, we had a grab-a-date. By 11am, I still had not asked anyone, because I was expecting to be set up by an older girl. Being the cougar that I am, I asked Brent, a first year who went to my high school. This was a strategic move on my part because I figured that I wouldn't be expected to hook up with him.

"I'd be honored," he responded, "Can you text me the details?"

We exchanged numbers, and I felt relieved to have an attractive, funny, friend-date for the night. 

After our Monday night meeting, I rushed home to stuff my face with anything that I could call dinner. A wizard in multitasking, I took a shower while cooking some veggies and quinoa, then whipped up some eggs. I think it took me about ten minutes to eat (that is monumentally fast for me, mind you). 

I blow-dried my hair, then put on a tight B&W polka dot dress. Just to be prepared, I put on a brand-new lace thong, also because it made me feel extra hot. I biked over to a pregame that one of the juniors put together for girls who had dates in our brother frat. Thankfully, a few of my friends were also pre gaming there, so I was bound to have fun. 

I thought that I showed up casually late (Brent got there at 8:05pm and I was five-ten minutes behind) as people were originally supposed to get there around 8. Embarrassingly, the time was changed to 8:25 (unbeknownst to me), so I watched football upstairs with some of the guys while I waited for everyone else. 

Once the group of girls walked over from the house (where they were pregaming the pregame), I joined them downstairs. Classics, like "Build Me Up Buttercup," were blasting while handles of Kirkland vodka were passed around. Originally, I had not planned on drinking very much, but realized that I was actually having a ton of fun. 

Only if I deem that it is "worth it," will I drink. This was one of those times. A few handle pulls with my date and our friends later, everyone was walking to our oceanside destination. I was definitely tipsy, borderline drunk. Thankfully, I was not sloppy and held my own in my heels. 

After talking on the back deck for at least an hour, Brent asked, "Wanna head over to our senior house? I think there are a bunch of people over there."

As soon as we walked in, Rhett quickly approached us, "Hey! A bunch of us are going skinny dipping--"

Turning to Brent, I exclaimed, "We have to go!" Then repeated my excitement to Rhett. Skinny dipping in the ocean is probably one of my absolute favorite things in the world, as I love to float, listening to the sand brush against itself and sway with the waves. About ten of us stripped ourselves and ran into the sea. If I weren't drunk, I might have felt a bit reserved at first, but I was the first one to rip everything off Monday night. 

We all swam for a while, until we felt the bite of the chilly water (it still isn't cold, but the breeze and lack of sun did not make it warm). Heading back to the boys' chapter house, we hung out for a while. People began clearing out, and I thanked Brent for a great time. 

"Sooo... I actually wanted to hook up with him by the end," I admitted to Jordan the next morning.

"Well did you?" She asked. 

"No! My predictions were right, I don't think he was going to make a move. Anyways, I think it was the alcohol. The drunker I got, the hotter he became."

"Wow," she remarked, sarcastically, "I've never heard of that happening before."

Since I haven't been that drunk in a really, really long time, I kind of forgot how that usually progresses for me...

Relaxing most of the week, Thursday and Friday got busy really fast. 

After my physics midterm on Thursday (which I aced by the way, you should be proud), Maya, Sam, and I jumped in the ocean. Which reminds me: I go to the best school in the world.

When I got home, I threw on some hot pink spandex and headed over to the house to prepare for our dodgeball tournament. I opted to play for the team because I really wanted to vent my feelings in a healthy way by making some bitches take balls to the face. We had some fun matches, but our team kicked ass (expectedly), leading us to win the dodgeball tourney! 

Friday morning, I woke up insanely early to cram for my Organic Chemistry midterm at 2pm. I don't think I did too hot on the test, but I did way better than I could have going in blind. Ideally, I would have stayed up Thursday night, but even a tall cup of coffee couldn't keep my eyes open. 

In the afternoon, I rode the train home for the weekend. After a relaxing Saturday with my family (I also got a new phone finally!!), Sunday came along with an early morning. At around 5am, my parents and I drove to San Diego for my surf competition. The conditions ended up being pretty terrible, so I didn't advance as far as I wanted to. 

Since I needed to somehow find a way back up to Santa Barbara, I asked Mikey, one of the guys on our team for a ride with him and Quincy. 

I now realize that a lot of my crush on Mikey (plot twist?) could be explained by heaps of frustration with Kevin. You'd think that I would have seen him during my visit home, but he went camping. Which I don't care that he did, but it is irritating nonetheless to feel like you put so much more into something than someone else does. 

So basically, I have a mini-crush on Mikey because:
1. he is a cute surfer boy
2. he is really nice (my downfall)
3. I need a fatal distraction

The problem is, Stephanie has a huge crush on Mikey too, and she gets very territorial with guys. It's almost as if she insinuates dibs on any guy that she's remotely interested in, which isn't intimidating to me but it is definitely irritating. So, as soon as she found out that I was riding with him, she asked him for a lift (even though she already had one) so that she could stay longer. 

Honestly, there's probably less than a ten percent chance that Mikey would go for me, and even less than that for Steph (she's made it clear to him that she's thirsty, yet he hasn't picked up any of it). 

Just us walking to his car, "I think you have a TG with our house soon-- water polo and volleyball," he brought up, "And friends."

With a smile on his face, that obviously meant that he would be there. But, I am going to casually assume that he meant we could kick back and hang out, because who am I kidding, why would he even attempt to go for a second year such as myself. 

Regardless of whether or not it would ever even pan out (knowing my luck, it probably will not), this little schoolgirl crush is going to make things easier for me with Kevin. At this point, I kind of want to just run away before I get hurt. Hopefully, if I chase after something else, I'll end up somewhere where I forget about where I ran from or what I was running towards. My biggest fear is that I settle for something comfortable that doesn't drive my wild, so I just need to keep pushing forward even if it is difficult. I know that I'll probably end up feeling lost at some point, but I guess that can be nice from time to time. Then, something will eventually scoop me up and I'll start the whole process over again because that is just how life works. 

Maybe I Could Eat You Out a Little?

Last week was insanely busy. Never in my life have I enjoyed Mondays, but this quarter, they've been one of my more relaxing days in the week. Since last Monday, I've obviously had classes, and surf team is kicking into high gear, and I've also had things with my sorority. 

On Thursday, we had our first surf team meeting with all of our new members. It was a pot luck at The Deck (two of the girls live there), so I brought a cabbage salad and quinoa tossed with butternut squash, brussels sprouts, and carrots because I needed something to remind me not to eat the pizza.

"Leave it to you to bring the healthiest things to the party," Stephanie joked. 

She actually was right, and I figured that most of the boys would either not bring anything (because they're boys), bring chips/candy/soda (because they're boys), or bring beer (because they're boys). Following my predictions, its safe to say that we had a ton of chips, soda, candy, and beer. 

My friend, Axel, brought a plate of nachos from Freebirds (basically everyone's obsession), so I had to indulge. As I was slyly stuffing a loaded chip into my mouth, I felt someone's presence close behind me. Instinctively, I cocked my head around to find that it was one of the hottest new guys on our team, whom I had not met yet. Because I am super graceful and elegant, the nacho started spilling back into my hands... so I ran away. I think we've established that I am definitely a runner.

The meeting was really fun, and our team has great energy this year. I'm especially excited because a few of my close guy friends joined this year, so now they'll be at our competitions and we can drive together. 

"Are you going to the TG tonight?" Quincy and Jack asked me.

"Yeah, I'm planning on being Ariel," I told them. They're both in a new fraternity on campus (they were a quasi-frat last year, just not official), with whom we had a party that night. "What are you guys going to be?"

Jack decided not to go, and Quincy was going to dress up as a hyena from Lion King. Our theme was "Dirty Disney," so I expected him to make it fairly slutty. But who am I to talk when I wore a bikini top and a tutu... 

The party was pretty fun, despite the fact that I had a cling on (Stephen) for a majority of the time. I met him the other day through mutual surf friends, and after some conversation, he asked me to dance. Honestly, he was pretty hot, but I just wasn't feeling it. 

Initially, when he first tried to kiss me, I flat out rejected him, "Look I am totally sober, and I'm really not into these circumstances." He replied that he also wasn't drinking (I am still a bit skeptical), obviously not taking no for an answer. 

Which brings me to two questions:
1. Why is it not okay to tell a guy that you aren't interested? 
2. Why does friendliness often get mistaken for the thought that someone is down to bang?

I scurried off, finding some friends. Making small talk, I noticed that all the girls that I was talking with were pretty drunk, and wouldn't be of great use in my efforts to fend off Stephen. He popped by my side again, pulling me aside.

"Look I'm not into the whole party scene either, but I just really want to kiss you."

My mistake was when I gave in and started making out with him. Karma is definitely a bitch because he was a terrible kisser. I'm talking worst-ever... WORST EVER. I couldn't even kiss his upper lip, as he wouldn't let me. It was so unenjoyable that I wasn't even frustrated. I was so far beyond frustration, that I would giggle to myself from time to time because the situation was hilariously uncomfortable.

In all seriousness, making out with someone isn't the hugest deal, but I really am disappointed in myself for not telling him that I wasn't down. Which readdresses my two questions... Is it just me, or do a lot of people make it especially difficult to reject them? I've found that in the past few hookups I have had (Kevin included I guess), guys just have persisted beyond my polite "no's." Which leads me to ask, do I need to be mean to these guys? Because they obviously confuse my friendliness and nice attitude as an invitation to press and prod at me like a piece of meat. Its really fucking annoying, might I add. 

Thankfully, I ran into my friend Joe (who lives at the house), while I was headed to the bathroom. 

"Lulu! How is your night going so far?" he asked me.

"Good, I am not drinking though, so it is a little much. Are you enjoying yourself?"

"Yeah, I wasn't feeling the party so a few people and I are chilling in my room right now if you would like to join."

"I want to see your room!" I excitedly replied.

We hopped in his room to find a bunch of our friends lounging around. It was a really relaxing cap to the night, and after some conversation, Axel and I biked towards home. Asking him about Stephen since they're housemates, he warned me that I can do way better than Stephen. 

Friday night, we had a surf team party, with an awesome live band. All of our friends showed up, and it was a total blast. I ran into a bunch of friends (that don't attend our school) whom I haven't seen in a long time, so it was great to catch up. One of them was this guy, Owen. I almost hooked up with him a few years ago, but it never actually happened. Grabbing my hand, he led me to the front lawn to dance. 

Grooving with the beat pulsing through the air, I was having a blast. Owen was a great dance partner, twirling me around and swinging me from side to side. 

During a slower song, we pushed outside of the pack and he pulled me in close, building the heat and suspense between us. It had been such a long time coming, so I kissed him back when he made a move. Between making out and dancing, we enjoyed the next few songs together.

"Wanna get out of here?" he whispered in my ear. 

Obviously realizing that was code for 'lets go bang,' I politely declined. Learning from my mistake the night before, I, honestly, told Owen that I am not that kind of girl. Instead of persisting (then), he asked me for my number, and proceeded to mosh with his guy friends. 

Once I was done with the party, I offered to walk Stephanie back to her bike half a block down the street. While I was unlocking mine from the side yard, I heard my name called.

Turning around, I saw Owen walking up to us. Stephanie scooted to the side, as I said hello. 

Visibly much more drunk than when we had been dancing, he started spewing, "I know that you're a good girl, and I respect that, but come home with me. I could cuddle you, or maybe, eat you out a little--" I began audibly laughing at that point, despite any attempt to stifle an outburst. Spinning my head to my right, I witnessed Stephanie buckled over, also finding the situation hilarious. 

I kissed him goodnight (per his request) and Steph and I made our way out of there before Owen would drop to his knees, begging for some good ole' lovin. 

Its safe to say that I did not plan on going out Saturday night, so I stayed in with Jordan. 

However, Sunday was basically a drinking holiday, equivalent to Greek Christmas: Sunday Funday. Meeting at the senior house around 10:30am, we drank mimosas and munched on donuts while watching the waves beat against the cliffs. Bouncing from frat house to frat house, I met and chatted with a ton of guys. 

Far into the day, a girl in my sorority noticed that a ton of guys had been trying to get at me (I mean, who could blame them) to no avail. "Lulu, we totally knew that the frat guys would eat you up," Ali mentioned to me, playing with my hair. I probably could have used a warning but better late than never...

Ending off my day at our "brother" fraternity's house, I tossed a football around with some of the guys and mingled. Fending off some more thirsty guys (I think they're thirsty for anyone to be honest), I called it a day and biked home. 

About to make dinner, I received a call from my friend, Mitch. He asked me to go jump in the ocean, which was especially nice after the long day/week. Something that I particularly enjoy about the water, is that it truly is cleansing. No matter how rough or testing a day is, diving into crashing waves will always wash off my troubles. 

"Thank you for coming with me, I really needed that," Mitch shared with me as we walked up the beach.

Knowing that he has needed extra support from his friends lately, I jumped on his request to swim. I was thankful that he reached out to me, and that he considers me to be a close friend. I let him know that I'll always be around if he needs me, because I truly desire to help him get through whatever is troubling him. 

Cleansed, I also found myself especially thankful to wash off the past week, mistakes, hilarious encounters and everything in between. 

Horrible Candidate to Find Kush

On Friday night, I hopped in a quick shower after my usual run to pretty myself for the night ahead. Every year, each frat will throw a party on the first Friday night following recruitment to celebrate all the new greek chicks. Girls hop from party to party, and the freshmen gain a feel for the different houses.

Personally, I already know which houses I do and do not like, so I planned on making a few stops to say hello to friends I know/like in certain houses. 

Finishing my simple makeup (I am truly lucky that the sun and salt water keep my face smooth), I laced up my chestnut, wedge booties and threw on a black skirt, a high-neck crop top, and an open, long sweater. 

"I would do you," Jordan told me after I asked her how I looked. 

"Yay! I'll text you guys! Let's meet up!" I told her and my other two female roommates, Bitta and Rachel. I left home early in the night to pre game at our brother fraternity's 'senior house.' This house is by far the coolest house in town: a wood frame that has seen many years of different faces, a long driveway to build excitement, and an enormous cliffside backyard rumbling with bass and hopping feet. 

I entered with a smile, greeting the guys guarding the front gate. 

While looking for a friendly face, Mark (my freshman) asked me if I was drinking.

"I mean I haven't yet, but yes," I replied politely.

"Let me get you something! Jungle juice?"

"Sure," I smiled, watching him get my drink from the older guy at the 'bar.'

I mingled with him and two other pledges for a bit, then they asked if I wanted to join them down on the patio. While following them from the house, one of my good friends in my sorority called over to me. Taking this as my chance to avoid hooking up with Mark again, I stuck near Taylor.

"Hey, I'm really sorry about last night," she laughed sheepishly, feeling embarrassed for something I didn't think she should be worried about, "Thank you."

"Please don't worry about it. I was so happy to help to help you out," I assured her, "I like to help people, its my pleasure."

A few of the other girls in our house came up to Taylor and I, and eventually one of them pulled Taylor away to discuss something (relatively) serious. After she left, I met a really cute black guy named Tyler while trying to make my way back to the bar. Once he saw that I was struggling to push through people, he carved a path for me and refilled my jungle juice (which was pretty strong...). Thanking him, I made my way back over to some guy friends that just pledged. After talking to them for a while, I decided to make my way to the dance floor, deep in the backyard.

Dancing with some girls in my sorority, Rachel and Bitta appear right behind me, "Lulu!!" they both exclaimed. Exchanging hugs, the three of us danced with Sydney, a gorgeous freshman in my pledge class. 

Eventually, I wanted to check out some of the other parties nearby, and found Taylor, who also wanted to go. Unfortunately, the two that we went to were super lame. Watching girls with smiles plastered on their faces dancing unrestrictedly, I realized that I was tipsy, but not drunk enough to enjoy their parties (which I do not mind). I returned to the original house that I was at, and found Bitta and Rachel again. 

The three of us decided to check out one of the frat parties that was at the house's chapter house instead of a senior house. We trekked out there, hit the dance floor, and almost immediately, a guy in a button-up and Sperry's with slick hair (so not my type) approached me. We exchanged names (I think his was Paul, but I wasn't interested so I didn't commit it to memory), and he shortly asked me to dance. 

I love to dance. But, I do not love that, to a guy, dancing usually means grinding with the expectation of things going further. Why can't I just dance without having some dude dry-hump my butt?

Thankfully, the DJ stopped playing music as that song ended, and Bitta found a good guy friend of hers. He wanted to introduce her to his girlfriend upstairs, and I followed. Turning to Paul, I said, "You can come if you want!"

He was visibly bummed, but made it a point to place a hand on my waist as he caboosed our five-person chain. Upstairs, we talked some more, and I could tell that he was very invested in hooking up with me. The more I looked at him, the more uninterested I became, because I did not connect with him at all. 

Eventually, after admitting that I was super tired, he leaned in closer.

"I don't know if this is out there, but I have some blow. I was just about to go bump in my room if you would like to join me."

Laughing, I let him know that I have never done coke. He felt really bad for springing that question on me, and although I didn't care, it was weird to have someone offer me coke for the first time. Thankfully, one of my really close guy-friends poked into the room and stole my attention from Paul. Eventually, Paul left, and Jerry left shortly after. 

My friends and I called it a night, making our way home. 

Saturday and Sunday were both extremely relaxing, as I didn't go out on Saturday night. Sunday morning we had surf team tryouts early in the morning, and we selected the new members. 

Catching up with a friend that I stopped hanging out with last year, I realized that I should at least try to give her another chance. I found out that she broke up with her boyfriend over summer, and that she kind of parties now. Total game changer... but not unexpected. She does like to be the center of attention, so I guess it makes sense. 

"I saw Jake at a party the other day!" By Jake, she was referring to my high school ex who just moved up here. 

"Oh yeah, I went over to his place on Friday," I shared with her. He had texted me about a week ago, and it just so happened that a friend of mine really needed some weed (you would think that people know I am a horrible candidate to find kush). However, I realized that I could ask Jake.

Laughing awkwardly, "He said that you bought some nug from him--"

I interrupted her, laughing hysterically, "Oh my gosh... I was actually buying for a friend." Apparently, he didn't buy my reasoning for coming over, as even she thought that it was for me. I gave her the full story: how after a bit of small talk, Jake took a giant bong load right in front of me, then passed it over. I rejected it, reminding him that I still don't smoke. The whole situation was awkward and unprecedented to say the least. But, at least, nothing could be more weird between us. I'm thinking about asking him to get lunch sometime, so it could make for great conversation. 

Once tryouts were over, I went home and did homework for a few hours. Kevin and I had been texting on and off since Saturday afternoon, although we both agree that its boring and we are both bad at it. At least I know that he misses me! After talking to Clara today after our biology class, I realized that I need to be less inhibited, and call him just to talk for a few minutes every few days. I am scared of being the clingy one, but texting really is lame and I don't fully remember what his voice sounds like.

I was thinking about what it is like to not see someone for a long time. Sometimes, I'll look at a picture of him and it becomes easier to access my memories, but it is really challenging to remember what his voice sounds like coming from him. When I think of it, I hear him speaking through my voice, like I'm telling a friend all about a date Kevin and I had the night before. And if I feel like this, it is pretty probable that he feels exactly the same, so maybe it is time to ring him up.

My Freshman

I don't know if I have ever been more excited for it to be the weekend. Not because I want to rage, but because these two days mark something beautiful: I HAVE NO CLASS.

On Tuesday evening, my sorority had our first TG (themed gathering) of the quarter at one of the frat houses. The theme was "talk nerdy to me," so the fun-loving girl in me wore a lab coat and lab goggles over a skirt and crop top. It was a hit, especially because I stood out against the naughty librarians or schoolgirls. For whatever reason, I really don't feel like trying to be super hot when going out because I would rather ward off boys in the first round of judgement than have to destroy their dreams of sleeping with me later. Also, this frat does have a "rapey" reputation, so I was extra not-down for a hookup that night. 

I got relatively tipsy, danced my ass off, and flirted with a few guys for shits and gigs. A lot of people were hammered, but I have 8am's everyday so that isn't going to be an option for me. I dipped out for a little while to say hi to friends in another frat across the street. They're new on campus, but would always have killer parties last year so they are very well-liked. After hanging out with friends in the backyard for a little while, I decided to go back to where our TG was so that I could collect some girls to walk home. 

Mingling with some boys for a few minutes, I finally found some friends that wanted to head back. They were also over watching people suck face in the living room, apparently. 

On Wednesday, I woke up feeling good, as I drank a ton of water before going to sleep. Classes went well, until I skipped my first literature section (a small group of students meet once a week with a TA to supplement lecture) for a surprise concert on campus. Basically, I am obsessed with Jack Johnson, and there was no way in hell that I was going to leave in the middle of his set to talk about Shakespeare. Sorry, not sorry. 

About ten minutes before my section, I told my friends, "Let's go dance! I'll leave after two more songs."

Erin jumped up from her seat on the stairs, "Hell yeah, Lu!"

At 5, one of my favorite songs of his began, and our whole group had collected by a palm tree. Slowly swaying with the music, I realized that there were so many songs that I love which he hadn't played yet. "How bad would it be if I skipped section? Do you think I'll get dropped from the class?" I asked my friends. 

"I mean, I'm sure that your TA will understand," Maya assured me. 

"You know what? Fuck that class, I don't care if I get dropped."

So... I did get dropped from the class, but its ok because I was going to drop it anyways. She did beat me to it though. In the end, I lost the race to break up with the class, but my TA was really snarky after I emailed her. At least I don't have to deal with that for the next three months. 

On Thursday, classes were swell. I ran five and a half miles on the beach in the evening to relax my mind, and got ready for our TG with our brother fraternity. Originally, I thought that it was a paint party, but the theme was "Two buck Chuck." Everyone was handed a bottle of wine, and we dressed "half-classy, half-trashy." 

Thinking that I was original, I cut up an actual trashbag to make a sheer, white tube top and wore a black bra under. I paired it with black cutoff shorts, and classed it up with a pearl necklace, pearl earrings, and simple makeup. Oh and the icing on the cake was a pin hooked to my bra strap that read, "happy to ride your face." Imaginable, I looked hot AF, while still maintaining some humor. 

"So girls, if you don't already know, these guys are our favorites because they are awesome. Make out with them all you want, but you should also talk to them because they are quality guys and will make good boyfriends." We had a great pep-talk, before walking across the street. 

We were greeted by a ton of cheering, excited guys to our bottles of wine and music. Personally, they're my favorite frat on campus because they are as great as the older girls in our house told us. 

After a few quality conversations, I went back downstairs to dance with some of the girls. 

"Damn, the pledges are actually hot," one of the other new sophomores whispered to me.

Deep in my bottle of wine, "I want to coug."

Half a joke, half wanting to make out with someone out of curiosity, I did end up making out with a pledge. He came onto me super hard but I couldn't stop thinking about Kevin. 

"You just can't take me seriously because I'm younger, is that it?" Mark asked me. 

"I guess that's just what it is," I replied, laughing. 

Then, he asked how old I am and it turns out we are both 19, so he leaned back in to kiss me. 

All of a sudden, I heard someone from inside of a storage closet, and turned around to find one of my guy friends exit through the door way.

"Wade!!" I exclaimed.

We talked for a bit and I used his presence as an excuse to run away from my freshman. 

Finding my friend Taylor (who is also a sophomore but is active in the sorority) when I returned to the dance floor, I pulled her aside. She was also having a shitty night, so we chilled in the bathroom. 

I spilled to her about Kevin, and asked her if I should be guilty about my freshman.

"No, I think that you're fine!" she drunkenly shared with a hug. 

I gave her advice about her issue (she hooked up with someone and he popped her cherry even though they didn't have sex), and I think that I helped her accept that it wasn't a big deal. 

I called my roommate who offered to pick me up, and she gave a few of us rides home. It was a pretty eventful night, but I did have a blast (and got an acceptable amount of great reviews on my pin).

What does suck though, is that I still feel guilty for making out with that freshman. Part of it is probably because Kevin and I haven't talked since Wednesday, when he stopped texting me back. 

I've let him know that I wish he was here, but he has made it fairly clear that it is a bummer to him that I am at school and he is at home. 

"But hey, you're at college having a blast sooo..." he responded to me sharing my homesickness on Tuesday.

So now, I feel really guilty. Jordan and Bitta have both let me know that they think I didn't do anything wrong, since Kevin and I aren't exclusive, but I still am sad. 

I think I need to plan a visit soon. I miss Kevin a ton, but two weeks is a long time for me to not touch someone that I am emotionally attached to. 

Work Hard, Play Hard?

Well, shit. 

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade, right? What do you do if life shoves a million lemons in your tiny-ass hands? You do not make a million lemons' worth of lemonade that's for sure...

The past week has been hectic to say the least. I mean, at least I've been busy enough to not miss home too much, but I just have way too much stuff to juggle. Between classes alone (17 units, holla at yo girl) I am not yet aware of how to manage my time. Then, there's fun, volunteering, exercise, eating, sleeping... the list goes on and on. 

After my (rather uninteresting birthday) on Monday, sorority recruitment week basically dominated my life. I was under the impression that (especially as a sophomore) I would have a difficult time with girl flirting and getting called back to the houses that I wanted. However, I ended up having a really difficult decision between the two top houses and an upper middle tier (not that rankings matter in the end anyways). I totally made the right choice for me, and feel like I belong with the fun-loving, happy-go-lucky girls in the house that I chose. 

On bid day, we had a pizza party (here goes my healthy eating), then the girls told us to come back later that night. Usually, houses will go do some fun activity on bid day, so I guess we were all kind of confused as to what we would be doing. 

On the way home, I stopped by 'the garage' (Maya/Clara/Hannah/Monica [from my first night up here]). A bunch of our friends were celebrating Hannah's birthday, playing drinking games and lounging around their backyard. Spotting my bid day trucker hat, I received some celebratory hugs.

"Yay! You definitely chose the right place. Don't question it," Clara assured me after I revealed my curiosity about the other house I had seriously considered. "To be honest, I was so nervous that you were going to choose [insert top house here] and that it would change you."

I fully understand my friends' apprehensiveness towards me joining a sorority. Of course they are happy for me, but I sense their fear that I'll cease to make time for them, which really bums me out. However, there is no way that would drop because of them. In the end, I will shape my own college experience which ever way I choose. 

After decompressing and chilling on the outdoor couch (it rarely/never rains here) for a few hours, I headed back to my apartment to make some dinner. 

Once I approached the chapter house, I was hit with music spilling far out onto the block. Our bid day/night was a massive dance party! If I wasn't sure of my decision prior, that definitely sold it for me. The other girls and I (obviously) were literally making the dance floor weep tears of joy. It was probably our sweat, but I'll pretend that I didn't end up disgusting. We raged so hard that I passed right out once I set foot in my room. 

Rising early, I went on a three-mile run yesterday morning before my 8am biology class. Realizing that there are a lot of school-related things on my plate, I studied at the library for a few hours. Mid-study, I experienced a minor panic attack about lacking enough time to complete everything that I need/want to. Although I was really excited on a volunteer position that I was recently hired to, I notified them that I couldn't make the time commitment. Feeling a bit relieved, I was able to hammer on until I had class again. 

Last night, we had our first new member meeting at the chapter house. I have definitely bonded with a few girls already. I mean, they must be as cool as I am if we're in the same sorority. Lol.

After our meeting, some of the seniors were having us over to pregame. Monday night turn up... who would have ever thought I'd go out on a Monday night. Seeing as I have 8am's every damn day, I decided that I would abstain from drinking at our mid week socials and whatnot. But, we got there and... things change. Whoops. I really didn't drink very much, just enough to feel a little tipsy. 

A big group of us trekked over to one of the fraternity houses. Basically it was a million sorority girls with a few guys, including their cute new pledges (what can I say, I'm a coug) scattered in between. With Kevin very much on my mind, I am not interested in hunting for thirsty guys though. So, I found some friends who also joined sororities this year, and caught up with them.

Spotting one of my roommates, I yelled her name, "Jordan!!"

Running (I would call it stumbling, but we can give her the benefit of the doubt) towards me, she threw her arms wide, enveloping me, "Oh my god, Lu!!!!!"

"How's your night, roomie?" I asked her.

"I'm hammered." She began joining me in laughter after a few seconds. 

Shortly into our conversation, an extremely loud crash bellowed from my left. One of the DAB's (drunk ass bitches), probably an overly excited freshman, who was dancing on a table toppled to the sticky, hard floor. Perking up, she proceeded to exclaim, "WOOO party on!!!!" 

College. 

Eventually, I was very much done with my night (and the dumb frat guys) and longed for my bed. Returning to the chapter house to collect my things, I booked it home, drank a few glasses of water, and snuggled into bed. 

I can't say that waking up for class this morning was enjoyable, but with a cup of coffee, it truly wasn't bad. That isn't to say that I'll be drinking during the week regularly (especially because I want to keep my good bod), but once in a blue moon I'll go for it. 

Having just returned from today's long schedule of classes, I, finally, have had some time to decompress. In a way, being busy has been good for me. It has distracted me a lot, from my less than stellar birthday, Kevin, family, etc. 

One and a half Taylor Swift albums later, I am sprawled on the couch, pining over a boy who is two and a half hours away, not doing homework. 

Oh, and apparently, we have a "talk nerdy to me" themed party tonight. And, a paint party Thursday night. So, I guess I should start my homework.

Work hard, play hard?