Don't Come In My Room

"Kevin still hasn't texted me... actually wtf," I messaged Jordan from my computer at 4:30pm last Monday afternoon. Nerves were facilitating my impatience, but I didn't care. I was starting to get really ticked off. 

When I came back from the bathroom, I had two texts waiting for me: one that read, "Actually, Kevin sucks lol" from Jordan, and another that read, "Hey luuuu" from the infamous. Well its about time, I thought. 

Kevin and I sorted out the logistics of when and where we would meet up, and decided upon going to eat at The Habit a little before 6. I wasn't sure what would be happening after that (I was really kidding myself if I didn't think that we were coming to my place but whatever) so I straightened up my room and the living room. 

I biked over there, and he was already sitting at an outside table. Once I locked my bike, I made my way over to Kevin, who was smiling at me. He brought me in for a hug and let me know that he had already ordered. In line, I decided to get a turkey burger wrapped in lettuce and a side of sweet potato fries. My mouth is watering in remembrance of how delicious they were. 

"So how have you been?" Kevin asked, "It's been a while."

"Yeah, I can't believe that I have been up here for so long already. Things have been really nice, I think you know already but I joined *insert house name here* and have been doing a lot with surf team so I've been busy. Which is good I guess," then semi-awkwardly laughed, peering up at him. "How about you?"

"Oh you know... The same sort of deal at home," he responded, "Except I was just up in Seattle visiting my sister over the weekend."

We proceeded to catch up on all of these new aspects of our lives. While I really wanted to break my guard down, I couldn't get myself to fully release my fears and doubts. More than anything, I wish that I could pretend that I don't have feelings like some Beyonce-esque demigod of confidence and perfection. Trying my hardest to channel that inner power once Kevin and I were done eating, I decided that I'd invite him over if he wanted to keep hanging out. 

"So what are you doing tonight?" he asked as we tossed our empty plates. 

"Well, classes are cancelled tomorrow, so I might go out tonight." 

"Really? That explains why everyone is already drinking at Brian's frat..." he laughed, "I thought that people were just partying on a random Monday."

Laughing along with him, "Some people do, but its normally not this crazy, I swear."

Realizing that we were both going out, he said that we should meet up. And here I was, thinking that he just wanted to eat, bang, and bail on me to go party. 

All the lights were off when I led Kevin through the door of my apartment. I texted Bitta and Rachel, letting them know that Kevin and I were at home as a warning. Thankfully (otherwise something super awkward could have happened), Bitta popped out of their room and said hi to us. I secretly wanted to christen the living room with some super hot wall sex but I guess that wasn't in the cards Monday night. 

Kevin and I were chit chatting on the couch, and I maintained my distance, leaving the ball in his court to make the first move. Kevin turned over and began kissing me (damn I missed those lips) and I gave in like he had baked me chocolate chip cookies. It took about five minutes for me to utter, "Lets go to my room."

Smiling up at me, he agreed. 

Bitta knew not "to come in my room" and was skyping her boyfriend anyways, so Kevin was fair game to pounce onto. 

Immediately after I shut the door behind us, we began undressing each other so naturally, I was extremely turned on. 

"Sorry my bed is so small," I laughed at my twin xl. 

"I'm sure that we can make it work," he joked along with me.

As if I needed any confirmation of my talent, Kevin's subtle moans were reassurance that yes, I am bomb at giving blow jobs. After a few minutes, Kevin uttered twice, "I've missed you." To be honest, I'm not sure what exactly he meant by that but at least it was a compliment, so I'm not complaining. I was content with going down on him because I could tell that he was enjoying it, but all of a sudden, he pulled me off and flipped me over. Then, I was definitely not complaining. 

I think I've made this comment before, but Kevin should teach a class on how to go down on a woman. I was enjoying myself so much, that between moans I whispered, "I want you so badly." Thankfully, that got our show on the road. 

Mid-doggie (totally my favorite), Kevin gently started pulling my hair, and I really appreciated that our sex is becoming more comfortable (and as a result, kinkier). Once we finished, I flopped face first onto my bed. I was so relaxed from being relieved of a month's worth of sexual frustration. So good to be done with that. 

He hung out for a little in my bed (to be respectful I'm assuming #nailandbail) then got dressed and let me know that he would inform me as to where he and his friend, Brian, would be at later in the night. 

In the meantime after he departed, I asked Ali and Steph what they were doing. 

Ali texted back, "I'm at Zete, come." Steph said that she was coming over. 

We never met up with Kevin, although I had been texting him all night. I probably could have gone to the party that he was at early on, but felt awkward crashing, so I abstained. He mentioned that he wanted to see me before he left the next day anyways, therefore I didn't see it as a big deal to do my own thing. 

Right as I was slipping on my running shoes the next morning, I received a text from Kevin, "Hey lu :)" What a perfect distraction from my run! Meeting him outside of my complex, Kevin picked me up on his way back from his meeting with the coach. We drove to the beach (to save time) and walked a few miles on the sand. 

"So, how'd your meeting go?" I asked him with an eager smile. I knew that he had been nervous about the logistics of his transfer, but he was in a good mood, so I knew that it had gone well.

"Really good. I'm not sure exactly when I'll be starting classes or moving up, but my application has already been pushed through. I'll definitely be in classes in the spring, so I can either move up during winter quarter or before spring quarter."

This was really good news! Regardless of whatever happens between us, I'm genuinely happy for him because this is such a great opportunity. 

We walked for a while, and made our way back to the car. Kevin got out to hug me goodbye, and wouldn't stop kissing me all over my cheeks and forehead. 

"Are you coming home for Thanksgiving?" he asked.

I let him know that I'll be home Wednesday to Sunday that week.

"Oh, awesome! Let me know when you get back and we can meet up or do something," he smiled. His excitement to seeing me next reminded me that I need to stop bitching about the way that things are going between him and I. That isn't to sweep the notion of him not wanting a relationship under the rug, but at least it is obvious (I just can't seem to accept it, can I?) that he respects me and likes me as a person. 

However, I've realized that I have been going into this situation all wrong. Kevin and I have a ton of fun when we are together, but I've literally seen him for a total of about four hours in the span of over a month. And let me tell you, I have met a lot of cuties up here and have blown off so many opportunities to hook up with said cuties. I don't want to slut it up at all, but if Kevin doesn't want us to be exclusive, then I'm going to take advantage of that. 

When Jordan, Bitta and I (and who could ever ignore Garrison's peanut gallery) discussed Kevin's visit on Wednesday evening, we came to the conclusion that it would be unfair of me to restrict myself from any other guys. 

"So I'll just answer your question before you ask. No, you should not feel bad at all if you go for Mikey or anyone else," Jordan reassured me. 

If I wasn't single before, I'm definitely going to act like I'm single now!

Meant to Be Together

As my snapchat story clearly suggested to all my friends... I had a great, fucking day on Wednesday. As in a "one of the best days of my life" kind of great, fucking day. 

It all started with an unexpected phone call from my aunt, which was especially nice because we hadn't spoken for about two weeks. Once we exchanged goodbyes, I laced up my running shoes and decided to go for a beach run before I hit the gym. 

Lately, I have found that running without music is really empowering. There is something special about listening to the bottoms of my shoes rub against the trail or about listening to the birds chirping. I feel extremely attentive and in-tune with nature, or whatever is going on around me, without music. 

While running along the tide-line on my way home (far enough to already have an endorphin-high) I found a perfect piece of blue sea glass and one of the most beautiful, iridescent abalone shells I have ever seen. After finding both of these within five minutes, I realized that the day was going to be amazing. 

My theory (I've obviously adopted it from somewhere else) is that taking sweet, little things as precursors to a great day will put you into an attitude that's ready for it. So, I cruised into the gym feeling super positive and happy. 

Mikey told me about a gym on campus just for athletes on club sports teams, and suggested I go (since I like going to the gym already, hopefully not because he thinks I need to work out). That morning he asked if I wanted to go with him around 12 but I planned on going a bit sooner. 

About halfway through my workout, Mikey came in and walked over to me. We chit-chatted for a little while, and then he excused himself to start his workout and to let me get back to mine. Although we didn't hang out or anything, it was really nice to see Mikey, even if I was sweating balls. At least my butt looked nice in my shorts. 

Now, I know what you're thinking: don't you like Kevin? Well, I am not sure because he barely even makes an effort to text me. Yeah, I'll most likely get down with him on Monday night (plot twist: he decided to come up Monday afternoon), but I don't really know how long-term things are meant to be between us. And to be honest, it doesn't bum me out to say that out loud anymore. 

After I left the gym, I pulled out my phone to check my email (dang university emails are so difficult to keep in line). A few weeks ago I applied for a biology fellowship that I had been nominated as a possible recipient for, but totally forgot about it. I had to adjust my brightness to the highest setting just to be sure, but there it was: I GOT A $5000 SCHOLARSHIP! Not giving two fucks about what anyone thought, I started laughing and happy-dancing right outside of the gym. 

So, I ran home with a massive smile plastered on my face the entire way, and skipped through the front door. 

"Why are you having the best day ever?" Jordan asked as I waltzed in. I had texted her once I found out about the scholarship. 

After spilling all the details of my day, she told me to look in my room. There were streamers hanging everywhere, balloons, and a ton of goodies left for me by my big! If I wasn't happy before... this big-little week surprise was the icing on the cake.

It turns out that my big lied to me all week, leaving me false clues, which really threw me off. "I actually have no idea who she is now," I told Jordan on a regular basis. She would just peer up at me and giggle as she texted my big all of my reactions. 

The next day, Thursday, I got home from the gym and Jordan asked me what my plans were. 

"Well, since I'm already on the couch..."

"Yay! We can have a lazy day," she exclaimed. I find it funny that this was normal enough to mask her ulterior motive of keeping me in the house. A few hours of nothing later, I heard a knock at the door. Had I known that a boy would be delivering me a heart shaped pizza, I wouldn't have answered sans-bra, but who really gives a shit these days anyway. 

"Never regret pizza," Jordan shared after I ate the entire thing. 

"Whoever my big is, I kind of love her already." This clearly supports the fact that pizza is a sure-fire way to a woman's heart. 

So yesterday, we had big-little reveal. I'll cut to the chase: my big lied to me all week and was the girl that I wanted (her name is Ali)!!! We celebrated, and I met the rest of our family, who are all super chill. Obviously it makes sense that I'm in their family, lol. They iced us (the three new littles), and thankfully I impressed them with a time of seven seconds. 

Ali and I went out to one of her friend's house parties, and I knew a ton of people there because of surf team. "Lulu, how do you know people here?" Ali laughed. 

"I guess we are just meant to be together!" I exclaimed.

I understand why some people have a negative outlook on sororities, or greek life in general, because I used to. But, being on this side of the spectrum, I am so glad to be in the house that I am in. I've met so many cool girls that I am confident in saying that I click with, and am super thankful for finding them through my sorority. If I wasn't excited before, I definitely am now!

I Guess I Have a Week

With an immense amount of anticipation, I was finally finished with classes last Friday. Unfortunately, the weather was pretty shitty so I decided to go home and do laundry/clean. 

"What are you all doing tonight? Are you going to the concert?" I asked Rachel, Bitta, and Garrison. Jordan went home for the weekend, but the other three stayed. Since it was Halloween, I figured that they also had fun plans. 

"We're going to the concert!" they responded. Last year, Halloween rocked our little college town, so this year our Associated Students planned a concert in order to offer students an alternative to the mess. The main artist was Young the Giant (one of my absolute favorite bands) so I was obviously going as well. 

I love Halloween, but it always catches me off guard, so, like many years prior, I threw a last-minute costume together. This year, I was a black cat... aka: black skirt, crop top, cat ears, and drawn on whiskers. Yeah I know, pretty basic. 

Well, it started pouring right before I biked to my friends' house at the Deck. Holding my head down the entire way, I was still soaked within five minutes of biking as fast as I could. 

"I can't believe you actually came over here," Mali proclaimed as I sopped through the doorway. 

"Well, the rain surely changed my outfit. I was going to be a cat... but now I'm just a wet puss!" I joked, taking the rain light-heartedly. 

Slapping on warm layers of alcohol and raincoats, we booked it to the concert. I ended up losing everyone I walked over with, but I had the greatest time. This was by far one of my favorite performances ever; I was dancing and singing to myself the entire time. Once it was over, I decided to walk home on my own because I couldn't find anyone I knew. 

I could outrun or beat the shit out of him if I really tried, I reassured myself every once in a while. Walking home alone at 1:30am is not a fun (or safe) thing, but I was sober enough to be able to handle myself. 

Around 12 on Saturday, Mikey and Quincy picked me up to head down south for our surf competition on Sunday. 

"Thank you so much for taking me, Mikey," I said again as I jumped into the backseat. 

"Of course! Do you know where you're staying tonight?"

"I'm just playing it by ear to be honest," I laughed.

"Well you're welcome to crash wherever we end up." It's like he just handed me a ticket to bang right then and there. 

About halfway into the drive, I really needed to pee, so I asked if we could stop shortly. About fifteen minutes after that, I REALLY needed to pee, so I asked how far the In-n-Out we were going to was. Basically, it was too far for me to handle (I can't hang when it comes to the bathroom--I have to pee all the time). 

"Okay well I will actually pee my pants by then. At this point I don't even care if I have to squat it out on the side of the road," I professed my pain.

They laughed at me. This was not a time to laugh. 

"You think I'm kidding, but I am going to pee my fucking pants!" I half-laughed along with them. 

Mikey made a four-lane switch (props) and we pulled into a gas station. But, THEIR BATHROOM WAS OUT OF ORDER. I ran out of the convenience store, right to some ghetto alley, where I squatted my little heart out. (Lady-like, I know.) I was so relieved that I think I masked my embarrassment fairly well, thank goodness. 

Once we found our friend's address, we received news that no one was there. Feeling like a jacuzzi-sesh, the three of us snuck into the beachside Marriott down the street. The hotel had a rooftop pool and hot-tub, so I was able to show off my killer bod to Mikey (lol jk, it was way definitely the other way around). 

The next day, we hung out at the competition all day. I ended up doing really well, placing fourth overall in the women's division. After everything was done, we packed up and got on the road. Quincy gave me shotgun, and DJed from the backseat. 

"Sooo... when did you two want to get In-n-Out?" I asked Mikey and Quincy a few hours into our drive. We had agreed that would be our "tradition," and I was perfectly fine with that. I inhaled my double-double (protein style... I'm not that bad), so at least it is out in the open that I am comfortable with that. 

Finally, we made it back, and Mikey dropped Quincy off first. As we pulled out from the driveway, Mikey broke the silence.

"So, now what are we going to do since we don't have a contest for two months?"

Yay!!! Glad to not be the annoying tag-along in the car ride, and feeling appreciated as a member of the group, I responded, "I don't know, but I am down for some road trips or adventures!"

He then brought up how he wants to camp in the local mountains (they are pretty small and low-key), so I made it known that he better invite me.

Trips like this, even as short as it was, are so refreshing to me. I was in a killer mood all of yesterday. As I was making baked sweet potato fries, my phone kept tweeting from the coffee table. 

"Dang, someone's popular," Jordan joked. 

I giggled at her joke and replied, "Ugh seriously. Who the hell is blowing me up?"

"Shit," she had picked up my phone.

"What??"

"Well Steph texted you a few times, but Kevin just texted you."

"Wait, what the hell did he say?" I hadn't been ignoring or icing him, but since we last talked, I haven't been putting any effort into texting him or responding to his (few) snapchats. 

Kevin said that he was meeting with the coach next Tuesday, and asked if I would care to grab dinner or a late-lunch. I responded that I would, and turned to Jordan and Bitta.

"Well, you already know that I hate him," Jordan answered my look with complete honesty. "Even if you don't, I'll just hate him for you."

Bitta asked the more important question, "So... does this mean you are going to hookup with him?"

What a good question. For the past weekish, I haven't really given a fuck about Kevin. I am very much geared towards being 100% or 0%, so all of this half-ass "well when we are together..." kind of ticked me off. Part of me has faith that I can keep the emotional connection I felt before from flooding back. And part of me realizes that could be completely wrong, and mid-bang I'll have an (internal) emotional breakdown. This is the moment where I need to figure out if I need to slam a guard up to protect myself, or if I can enjoy the situation for what it has been established to be. 

Sensing my deep confusion, Bitta carried on, "Well, I guess you have a week to figure it out!"

Feeling Ballsy

"You may not know why you're upset, but I do," Jordan answered to my honest description of my difficult day yesterday. 

Throughout the day, I would actively remind myself to not be sad or mopey. Anytime I wasn't academically stimulated, my mind would wander and mull over my predicament with Kevin. It also didn't help that I slept a whopping total of four hours Monday night so that I could study for my 8am Bio midterm. It also didn't help that I am pretty sure I did shitty on said Bio midterm, and had class all day. 

Scooping my spaghetti squash onto my plate, she elaborated, "Even though you tell yourself that you're alright with Kevin not wanting a relationship--which I know you are--he totally led you on to believe that once he got up here, that's where things were probably headed." I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt because I was the one who fueled those expectations, but I can't help but admit that she is right. My mind flashed back to cuddling on the beach my last day home over summer, "I could see myself dating you when I get up to Santa Barbara."

Backtrack to last night: I finally grew the balls to initiate the dreaded conversation with Kevin. Texting is so lame and vague, but I really didn't want to annoy him or come off as needy. One of my biggest fears is being a burden to others, especially emotionally. I'm pretty sure that I developed this complex when my ex, Jake, and I were together (but that is another can of worms). 

"Do it now while you still have the courage," Bitta reassured me as I overthought precisely what I wanted to say, if I would send anything confrontational at all.

Garrison (providing occasional input from his loft), Bitta, and Jordan edited my thoughts as I devised what I would say from the comfort of our living room. 

Finally, I sent Kevin this:
"So I’m sorry if this is laying a lot on you, but I feel like I haven’t initiated any conversation regarding whatever is going on between us. To be honest, I don’t know what you’re feeling which is really difficult for me. If you feel the same, I’m sorry that I’ve been so vague. I’m not bringing this up because I expect more from you, I just want to let you know that I am still invested. Sometimes I get the feeling that you’re not, so I guess I want to know where you stand because the last thing I want is to watch myself get strung along."

What can I say, I was feeling ballsy... and sick and fucking tired of limbo. 

Thankfully, I got the answer that I needed to hear:
"I am into you. Youre an awesome person and a lot of fun to be around. Distance obviously makes things harder 'cause we can't hang out and as you may have noticed, I generally suck at using my phone, but I'm still into you. Idk what will happen if I come up there starting winter quarter or when you come home for Christmas but I guess we'll figure that out then. If you're looking for a relationship or some sort of commitment, I'm really sorry, but we shouldn't do anything more then because I don't want to lead you on. I don't want any of that right now and don't see myself wanting it for awhile. I think you should be looking for other people up there because we are far so it's not like anything can happen between us. But when we are back around each other I dont know what'll happen. I don't really think ahead with this stuff."

Even though it was difficult to hear, and still a bit ambiguous, I am relieved to have that weight off my shoulders. I thanked him for his honestly, and apologized for leading him to believe that I wanted a relationship, as that wasn't my intention. 

He replied, "Yeah of course. I'll always be honest with you, especially if there is something between us. All good lu:) that was overdue." Umm... yeah it was, how about a month overdue...

Feeling ballsy a few messages later (and after he admitted that he doesn't want a relationship for the rest of college... game changer), I conceded my biggest worry to him, "This is super blunt but I have too much self respect to be just another notch in a bedpost and not realize it. Thats my only concern."

"And I 100% respect that, and like that about you. Don't be afraid to speak up with me, I'll be honest. I may run, to be honest, because I don't want to feel like I'm committing to something, but I'll be honest before I run haha."

There's the winner! I can't believe that it took me this long to pry that information out of him. In the grand scheme of things, I truly believe that he is a good guy, and that he didn't try to use me in a way that I was worried about. I still feel respected as a person, but I guess I have little tinges of feeling used emotionally. 

Its a given that we like each other romantically, but a normal relationship between two people progresses in a pretty expected way. I'm assuming that the reason why he wants to avoid that is because he is afraid of being tied down, subjected to every, last desire of mine (or anyone for that matter). Dude has probably been with some needy-ass people... and I completely understand how that would affect his mindset. I mean, I broke up with my last boyfriend (throwback to the summer before college) because I was afraid of being confined, especially to someone a few hours away. 

Yesterday was definitely a tough day: sorting out my feelings, bringing up my deeper fears, and absolving some thoughts. However, it really helps to talk it out with people like Jordan, and have other people's support. Before I fell asleep last night, I thanked Jordan for all of her help, realizing that she helped me immensely in sorting out my feelings. 

"Well at least I don't have to feel bad about my crush on Mikey," I smirked over to her from underneath my sleeping bag. (I did this half for the comedic snapchats and half because it is comfortable and soothing.) 

"That you don't my friend," she responded, putting her book down, "Get on that!"

I think the saying is, the best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else.

That is Just How Life Works

Last Monday, we had a grab-a-date. By 11am, I still had not asked anyone, because I was expecting to be set up by an older girl. Being the cougar that I am, I asked Brent, a first year who went to my high school. This was a strategic move on my part because I figured that I wouldn't be expected to hook up with him.

"I'd be honored," he responded, "Can you text me the details?"

We exchanged numbers, and I felt relieved to have an attractive, funny, friend-date for the night. 

After our Monday night meeting, I rushed home to stuff my face with anything that I could call dinner. A wizard in multitasking, I took a shower while cooking some veggies and quinoa, then whipped up some eggs. I think it took me about ten minutes to eat (that is monumentally fast for me, mind you). 

I blow-dried my hair, then put on a tight B&W polka dot dress. Just to be prepared, I put on a brand-new lace thong, also because it made me feel extra hot. I biked over to a pregame that one of the juniors put together for girls who had dates in our brother frat. Thankfully, a few of my friends were also pre gaming there, so I was bound to have fun. 

I thought that I showed up casually late (Brent got there at 8:05pm and I was five-ten minutes behind) as people were originally supposed to get there around 8. Embarrassingly, the time was changed to 8:25 (unbeknownst to me), so I watched football upstairs with some of the guys while I waited for everyone else. 

Once the group of girls walked over from the house (where they were pregaming the pregame), I joined them downstairs. Classics, like "Build Me Up Buttercup," were blasting while handles of Kirkland vodka were passed around. Originally, I had not planned on drinking very much, but realized that I was actually having a ton of fun. 

Only if I deem that it is "worth it," will I drink. This was one of those times. A few handle pulls with my date and our friends later, everyone was walking to our oceanside destination. I was definitely tipsy, borderline drunk. Thankfully, I was not sloppy and held my own in my heels. 

After talking on the back deck for at least an hour, Brent asked, "Wanna head over to our senior house? I think there are a bunch of people over there."

As soon as we walked in, Rhett quickly approached us, "Hey! A bunch of us are going skinny dipping--"

Turning to Brent, I exclaimed, "We have to go!" Then repeated my excitement to Rhett. Skinny dipping in the ocean is probably one of my absolute favorite things in the world, as I love to float, listening to the sand brush against itself and sway with the waves. About ten of us stripped ourselves and ran into the sea. If I weren't drunk, I might have felt a bit reserved at first, but I was the first one to rip everything off Monday night. 

We all swam for a while, until we felt the bite of the chilly water (it still isn't cold, but the breeze and lack of sun did not make it warm). Heading back to the boys' chapter house, we hung out for a while. People began clearing out, and I thanked Brent for a great time. 

"Sooo... I actually wanted to hook up with him by the end," I admitted to Jordan the next morning.

"Well did you?" She asked. 

"No! My predictions were right, I don't think he was going to make a move. Anyways, I think it was the alcohol. The drunker I got, the hotter he became."

"Wow," she remarked, sarcastically, "I've never heard of that happening before."

Since I haven't been that drunk in a really, really long time, I kind of forgot how that usually progresses for me...

Relaxing most of the week, Thursday and Friday got busy really fast. 

After my physics midterm on Thursday (which I aced by the way, you should be proud), Maya, Sam, and I jumped in the ocean. Which reminds me: I go to the best school in the world.

When I got home, I threw on some hot pink spandex and headed over to the house to prepare for our dodgeball tournament. I opted to play for the team because I really wanted to vent my feelings in a healthy way by making some bitches take balls to the face. We had some fun matches, but our team kicked ass (expectedly), leading us to win the dodgeball tourney! 

Friday morning, I woke up insanely early to cram for my Organic Chemistry midterm at 2pm. I don't think I did too hot on the test, but I did way better than I could have going in blind. Ideally, I would have stayed up Thursday night, but even a tall cup of coffee couldn't keep my eyes open. 

In the afternoon, I rode the train home for the weekend. After a relaxing Saturday with my family (I also got a new phone finally!!), Sunday came along with an early morning. At around 5am, my parents and I drove to San Diego for my surf competition. The conditions ended up being pretty terrible, so I didn't advance as far as I wanted to. 

Since I needed to somehow find a way back up to Santa Barbara, I asked Mikey, one of the guys on our team for a ride with him and Quincy. 

I now realize that a lot of my crush on Mikey (plot twist?) could be explained by heaps of frustration with Kevin. You'd think that I would have seen him during my visit home, but he went camping. Which I don't care that he did, but it is irritating nonetheless to feel like you put so much more into something than someone else does. 

So basically, I have a mini-crush on Mikey because:
1. he is a cute surfer boy
2. he is really nice (my downfall)
3. I need a fatal distraction

The problem is, Stephanie has a huge crush on Mikey too, and she gets very territorial with guys. It's almost as if she insinuates dibs on any guy that she's remotely interested in, which isn't intimidating to me but it is definitely irritating. So, as soon as she found out that I was riding with him, she asked him for a lift (even though she already had one) so that she could stay longer. 

Honestly, there's probably less than a ten percent chance that Mikey would go for me, and even less than that for Steph (she's made it clear to him that she's thirsty, yet he hasn't picked up any of it). 

Just us walking to his car, "I think you have a TG with our house soon-- water polo and volleyball," he brought up, "And friends."

With a smile on his face, that obviously meant that he would be there. But, I am going to casually assume that he meant we could kick back and hang out, because who am I kidding, why would he even attempt to go for a second year such as myself. 

Regardless of whether or not it would ever even pan out (knowing my luck, it probably will not), this little schoolgirl crush is going to make things easier for me with Kevin. At this point, I kind of want to just run away before I get hurt. Hopefully, if I chase after something else, I'll end up somewhere where I forget about where I ran from or what I was running towards. My biggest fear is that I settle for something comfortable that doesn't drive my wild, so I just need to keep pushing forward even if it is difficult. I know that I'll probably end up feeling lost at some point, but I guess that can be nice from time to time. Then, something will eventually scoop me up and I'll start the whole process over again because that is just how life works.